Four Red Flags To Avoid During The Manhunt

Story by Paige Mathew 

| Published Feb 9, 2010

Throughout my four years running around Lincoln, Neb., with various social groups, the most entertaining things I have witnessed would have to be the ridiculous situations women seem to find themselves in while pursuing men. Although I have seen beautiful, exotic ladies become vixens who can literally hypnotize men, controlling them like finger puppets, I’ve also seen when women overlook some serious red flag situations. Before you embark on your own conquering journey, I have highlighted a few lessons learned from observing these endeavors.


“Jimmy John's or hookup, not both.” This is a mantra that should always be followed diligently. At the end of the night, every girl is faced with two decisions. Either stop to eat at Ali Baba's, Amigos or Jimmy John's or go to an after-party (aka hookup-fest). Never have I seen a girl successfully do both in one night. In the rare instance where the girl gets food and subsequently the booty call, things just never work out. Prime example: You do NOT want to be making out with a boy and have said boy brush a Doritos crumb off of your mouth. Trust me. They do not think it’s attractive.

SIDENOTE: If you are fortunate enough to find a ride all the way to DeLeon’s, consider it the end of your night with no exceptions. You are no longer a fortunate being.


“Oh, is that your brother?” This situation plagues the best of us. You go out with the intent of macking on Boy A. You’ve sent an adequate amount of flirty texts in the proper intervals and are ready for the magic to happen. All of a sudden, you see Boy A shooting the shit with the sexiest man you’ve ever seen in your life, who is then introduced to you as Boy A’s _______ (insert bro, bra, homeboy, roommate, etc.). You wish you could retract all those flirty buildup texts you’ve sent to less-fortunate-looking Boy A, but what’s done is done. There is no turning back now, and in no way can you divert your efforts towards Sexy McSexerson. Every time this great sorrow occurs in our world, a dove dies.


“Mayb u should be my sudo-gf. Hope too see u soon QT!” If any boy ever sends you this text, drop everything you are holding and start running. Full-out sprint. This text is not OK under any circumstance. He’s got a deadly combination of Mom-text lingo (Wat time r u coming 4 lunch?) and all-around horrible spelling. Sudo is not much shorter than pseudo, so he probably didn’t know how to spell it in the first place. And "too" for "to" is definitely not shorter. Drunk texting does not absolve this sin.


“We’ll just split something for dinner. I don’t eat very much.” No girl wants to hear this on a first date. First of all, who’s the girl here? When this line comes out of a 90-pound, sappy-looking fellow, you should exert extreme caution. Sure he’s nice, cute and artsy, but how strange would it feel to be on top of him if you are a normal-sized human being? And why would he take you out to dinner if he’s gonna be a pussy about it? The boy should be the same size or bigger than you, and I don’t even have sound reasoning behind this — that’s just how the world should work. If the two of you can’t even finish an entrée, your children will undoubtedly fail at everything they attempt, so you might as well call it quits.


Now that I've bestowed this great knowledge upon you, you are ready to suit up, etch a lightning bolt into your pubes and hit the city. Actually, you definitely shouldn’t do that last part. That’s just freaky.


Note: This column was not based on true events. But chances are, it was.