FDA Bans Flavored Lube In Attempt To Curb Teen Pregnancy

Story by Will Dougherty 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

Hot on the heels of its recent ban on flavored cigarettes, the FDA has made yet another landmark decision — the decision to ban the sale of flavored personal lubricants.

“It’s the same reasoning as the tobacco ban. Flavored cigarettes were a gateway for many children and young adults to become regular smokers. Flavored lube is a gateway for many children and young adults to become regular sinners. If these kids think they can just go around putting their mouths on other peoples’ naughty bits all willy-nilly, well, they can think again. If they’re old enough to perform cunnilingus, they’re old enough to have to live with that taste in their mouth. Adults don‘t need flavor with their tobacco or their intercourse. Teen pregnancy will surely drop once they learn to view genitals as the stinking shame holes they are,” FDA Commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg said.

The legislation has left some details vague. For instance, the ban applied to “flavored personal lubricant” but failed to define exactly what that meant.

“I have piles of stuff that I’m not sure what to do with. Sure, the Sliquid Swirl™, the SucKcess™, the Love Potion 69™…these are all obviously flavored lube. But what about this strawberry massage oil? And my extensive collection of body butters?” asked one local vendor.

Despite these difficulties, Hamburg stresses that this will not be the last product to receive a hard look from the FDA. Alcohol may be next. Recent studies have shown teens are more than a thousand times more likely to drink hard lemonades than pure grain alcohol.

“While something needs to be done about the alcohol problem, we obviously can’t get rid of all good-tasting drinks. What would happen to my strawberry banana daiquiri? My plan is to go after the awful, awful man who started putting alcohol in lemonade. Mike, you’re on the list,” Hamburg said.

Not everyone has such a strong stance against delicious fruit flavors as they relate to various vices. Susan Herman, president of the American Civil Liberties Union, feels that this is a personal choice issue.

“Clearly our rights are being trampled on. If I, as a legally consenting adult, wish to enjoy a hint of cucumber melon with either my smoking or my sexing, why shouldn’t I?” Herman asked.