Fallen Fat Man Finds New Appreciation For Turtles

Story by John Rincon 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

A local man has a new-found fondness for turtles and tortoises alike after falling on his fat ass while trying to pick up his dropped Twix candy bar.

Larry Eldman, 26, 598lbs, discovered this admiration after lying on his back for 4 hours, unable to pick himself or his chocolaty treat off of the ground.

“Have you ever seen a turtle on its back? It has to rock back in forth, building up momentum so it can get back on its feet. It is such an astonishing display of perseverance. I think we could all learn a lot from turtles,” said Eldman as EMTs maneuvered a forklift under his back.

911 Emergency Response received Eldman’s call at 6:14p.m after Eldman finally found his phone under one of his many fat folds. EMTs arrived shortly after to begin preliminary pointing and laughing.

“I tried rocking back and forth but once I turned over, I just kept rolling.” Eldman is now being sued for destroying a small café and is being tried for vehicular manslaughter after rolling over 3 children.

“This would have never have happened to a turtle. They’re strong, smart, dedicated, and delicious.”