Everyone Who Stole My Album Is About To Die | Conor Oberst

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Feb 15, 2011

You people just don’t seem to understand. There’s only two things worth living for in this life: me, CONOR FUCKING OBERST, and my music. Everything else is just petty bullshit.

There was a while where I thought you understood. You all bought Digital Ash, and I was totally phoning it in on that one. Did any of you even listen to the lyrics? No, of course not, you fucking sheep herd.

And then you all got really excited for Monsters of Folk. Christ, I laughed for hours over that. A “supergroup” of indie-folk musicians? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! We spent maybe a day on that album, tops.

I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as those other guys. They all thought they were as good as me at writing songs. What a fucking joke. Have you ever listened to She & Him? Whiny bullcrap. And the other guy who is in Bright Eyes? I keep him around because he fetches me my whiskey faster than Jenny Lewis ever did.

But still, you’d all finally come around to my way of thinking. Or so I thought. Anticipation for the greatest fucking album ever, The People’s Key, was huge. You’d all missed me so much. I was ready to be welcomed with open legs into the homes of every teenage girl in America.

And then you pull this bullshit. The album leaks on to the internet, and people have the gall to DISRESPECT ME BY DOWNLOADING IT. Who the fuck do you think you are? That represents at least 3 weeks of effort on my part.

When you steal from shitty bands like Nickelback or the Faint, it’s totally justified because they suck. But when you steal from me, this shit actually matters.

So I’m talking to you right now, assholes: I know who stole my masterpiece. I know which of you thinks you’re better than the system, better than ME.

And I have news for you: no one is better than me. So watch your back, and you may have the pleasure of looking me in the eyes before I cut yours out.