Despite Extensive, Self-Made List Of “Han-Like” Qualities, “Star Wars” Fan Has Most In Common With C-3PO

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

Friends of Ryan Madsen were treated to a stunning display of cognitive dissonance Wednesday, as the diehard Star Wars fan remained blissfully unaware how little he actually has in common with his hero, Han Solo. Those present didn’t have the heart to tell Madsen he reminded them more of C-3PO, the beloved space opera’s bumbling android.

Among the traits Madsen shares with the golden galactic translator are his stiff, over-exaggerated movements, his ability to talk about any nuance of the “Star Wars” universe for hours on end and his responding to any stressful situation by throwing his hands up in a weak gesture of surprise and unproductively waddling about the room.

Additionally, like the famous droid, Madsen can speak a multitude of obscure dialects, none of which can be used to talk to girls.

Still, Madsen’s friends decided to indulge his delusions, a decision made after the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Computer Science and Electrical Engineering double major produced a meticulously hand-written list of his top 20 “Han-like” qualities. Said list – scribbled down multiple times on index cards so it could be handed to any “princesses” Madsen wished to romantically pursue – made note of his “unflappable confidence,” “love of danger,” and “devil-may-care attitude.”

Madsen's inability to hold eye contact for more than 10 seconds, refusal to get a driver’s license because “you have the best chance of dying in a traffic accident” and intrinsic desire to please every new person he meets all went without mention.

“Um… Han’s a smuggler,” said Lars Sandberg, Madsen’s roommate and best friend, hours after the embarrassing ordeal. “Ryan won’t even sneak candy into the movies because he thinks it’ll get him kicked out.”

A misguided Madsen also regaled the six other people in his dorm room with the assertion that, should he find himself sharing a booth with criminal scum at a seedy cantina, he wouldn’t hesitate to take the first shot.

“I couldn’t bring myself to remind him of the time when he tried to unplug his toaster and it sparked at him and he panicked and ran face-first into the fridge,” Sandberg said. “Oh, wait. Maybe he doesn’t remember. That whole concussion thing.”

The similarities with C-3PO continued to mount when Madsen’s home life was taken into account. Much like C-3PO’s unfortunate run-in with the Jawas, Madsen is routinely bullied by creatures half his size, namely his younger sister’s Girl Scout Troop. Furthermore, his graduating high school class voted him “Most Likely to Kill His Friends in a Trash Compactor.”

At press time, the only discernible differences between Madsen and C-3PO were that Madsen has no knowledge of Earth etiquette and social customs -- to say nothing of anywhere else in the galaxy -- and that the android possesses a far better chance of being able to touch his toes.