Completed Version Of A Previously Incomplete Thought | By Rick Perry

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| Published Nov 29, 2011

Listen guys, I know you've all seen my so-called Republican Presidential Debate 'flub' by now.

You know -- the YouTube clip that appears to show me forgetting a key tenet of the platform by which I'll turn America into the militaristic extension arm to provide the great state of Texas with the predator drones it so greatly needs.

If you still haven't seen the video, well then -- well, uh, uhhhhhhhmmm…EPA.

Internet, I get it. You think that I'm incapable of producing a coherent, rational thought, and that I'd be better off sitting on my ass all day watching Good Times (what is Good Times?) and eating bonbons rather than leading the free world (what is the free world? Are there Mexicans in the free world?) Derrrrrpppp.

But I'm here to let you know on this good ol' bloggity-blog post on this here wonderful and oft-forgiving internet that you, America, couldn't be further off in your assessment of me. Put simply, I'm Rick Perry (or The Governor to you people…well, not you people, but…) and I won't rest until all of you are sipping on the stuff I was sipping on before I gave that downright inspiring speech earlier this month in New Hampshire, where I declared: "Gold is good…uhh…if you've got any in the backyard cause…you know…if they print any more money in Washington, the gold's gonna be good."

Sure, I couldn't put it as eloquently as my buddy (and relative non-factor) Rick Santorum, who probably would have said something to the effect of: "Mmmm…yeah, Rick Santorum like gold. Dollar Bills are gay." Sure I couldn't have spoken in that antiquated 'articulate' brand of English exhibited almost daily by that other guy, the one who thinks you're all lazy, worthless human beings worthy of great suffering -- we'll call him The Kenyan. And sure I'm a chronic user of methamphetamine, and most of the drugs sold over the counter at my neighborhood Walgreens.

But, despite my manic, drug-influenced demeanor that day in New Hampshire (and every day, everywhere), I meant what I said, just like I always mean what I say. I'm just that kind of matter-of-fact kind of simple kind of meth-using kind of average American. The Cain campaign is just out of touch, thinkin' we're still stuck on tobacco and all the cigarette-smoking hippie bullshit. But I'm one of you, internet. Rick Perry says yes to hookers and blow, so long as the state says so. But an America that wants to “wake up in the mornin' feeling like Rick Perry” simply can't, if there's always that petty government intervention getting in the way, right?

That's why I so heartily wish you would have been able to appreciate the whole “loss-of-words” gesture I put on at the CNBC debate. See, I'm not just a man of my words; I'm a man of my lack thereof. And the whole purpose of that mute-crackhead-showcase-gone-awry thing was to exhibit the actual third phase of my plan to cut government spending: eliminating the federal government.

That's right, internet. I know you're horrified at the prospect of me working in the Oval Office, taking phone calls from esteemed international leaders and participating in all of that ceremonial head of state hooplah. That's why I've devised a simple plan to see that you won't have to.

Under my three-phase plan, which calls for the elimination of the federal Department of Education, the Department of Commerce, and, finally, the federal government, the presidency would cease to exist.

Don't want to see Rick Perry as president?

Vote Rick Perry.
Simple as that.
Signed,
Suck on that, Mitt.