CNN Becomes Charlie Sheen’s Live-In Girlfriend

Story by Catherine Larsen 

| Published Mar 15, 2011

CNN solidified its growing love affair with Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen this past Sunday, when the entire network decided to become Sheen’s third “goddess,” or live-in girlfriend.

“I love Charlie,” gushed CNN anchor, Piers Morgan, with a wink. “I find him so incredibly fascinating; he’s a true ‘Che Guevara of television.’ Moving in will just validate my feelings, and reveal their true nature, by making this relationship totally sexual. And I mean dirty-sexual, like, I probably should not describe to you what I would do to that man. Children might be reading this.”

The television news network squeezed a queen-sized bed into the middle of the Beverly Hills’ bedroom, snugly fitting it between two others. A pyramid of anchors organized atop the bed, including Piers Morgan, Wolf Blitzer, and Anderson Cooper, among others. Their formation seemed a strategic attempt to fit as many reporters in Sheen’s bed as possible, while still leaving enough room for him to sleep comfortably after what is expected to be many nights of voracious passion.

CNN also plans to perform other necessary tasks in the Sheen household, including washing dishes, vacuuming, and constantly reassuring Charlie that he “looks sexy today.”

While jealous tensions are running high between the two goddesses and their most recent addition, Sheen seems relatively uninterested in the novelty.

“I’m bi-winning, not bi-sexual,” Sheen assured sources. “I’m not especially interested in a bunch of middle-aged white men trying to get at my goods. Throw Soledad O’Brien in there, though. I’d tap that.”