Church Fears Teens May Still Use Abortion As Birth Control Instead Of Birth Control

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Mar 30, 2010

Hot on the heels of some grade-A shenanigans perpetrated by a handful of zany Utah lawmakers attempting to criminalize miscarriages, the Catholic Church released its annual arbitrary mediation of human morality Wednesday afternoon. The fact a woman's body occasionally rejects a fetus for any number of reasons is solid evidence that too many individuals are still using abortion (be it natural or otherwise) as a rudimentary form of birth control, said Bishop Thadius Dubackle, the church's official spokesperson for the current leg of God's 2000 year absence.

As the Church holds birth control and abortion to be equally heinous contrivances of the Devil, it has staunchly refused to allow the former in hopes of deterring the latter.

"Seriously, people... if we willingly block the distribution of prophylactics to third world countries suffering AIDS pandemics and population explosions," Dubackle said, "you really think we're gonna condone you wrapping it up just because you and your lady friend watched all the '30 Rock' episodes on Hulu and needed another way to pass the time?"

Even though all sins are the same in the eyes of the Lord, the Church plans on narrowing its focus for 2010. Abortion, birth control and touching another man's penis outside the context of a multi-generational gap will be combated with renewed vigor in the coming year. Any sin used to circumvent the ecstasies of pregnancy — from condoms to homosexuality — is "worth double sin, probably," Dubackle said, and using abortion as a form of birth control is "like, a sinsplosion."

"Listen, the fact of the matter is that sins all have consequences," said Dubackle. "If you have sex, you spend the next 18 years pretending a complete accident is actually a blessed little miracle from God. If you smoke marijuana, you suffer irreparable damage to your short term memory and sense of time, compelling you to ask 'Why isn't this stuff legal?' every six or seven minutes. Consequences keep our congregations moral and our tax-exempt status untouched.

"If we didn't have women pumping out a steady stream of kids — thereby slowly breaking their spirit and the spirits of their spouses, numbing them both to a point where they're able to reconcile the dreams of their youth with the lives they're actually leading — how would we fill those pews on Sunday?"