Christian Student Hopes God Isn’t Watching

| Published Mar 1, 2011

Jason Roberts, a self-described Christian and member of several campus religious organizations, declared to himself that he “hoped God wasn’t watching him right now” late Monday night.

Roberts, a junior Biochemistry major, has spent a large majority of his collegiate career as a pristine example of pious behaviour.

“I’ve never been out past 1, and 11 on school nights,” Roberts said. “The only alcohol I consume is the blood of Christ and the only thing I get high from is the love of Jesus.”

However, shortly after a series of unlucky events, Roberts wavered.

“I’ve sort of been into this girl from my church group for a few years now, and I thought it was about time I did something about it. But she crushed me,” Roberts said. “The Lord is always there for me, but even he couldn’t completely cure me this time.”

Instead of seeking solace as he normally would, in a chapel, Roberts returned to his dorm where he committed what he calls “an unforgivably heinous act.”

“My roommate, bless his misguided soul, has been trying to get me to ‘calm the fuck down,’ as he says, for a while now. I’ve never before taken him up on his offer....”

But he did this time, Roberts continues. And his life will never be the same for it.

“No longer can I say that I am pious and pure,” Roberts said, clutching his bible for support. “I have failed Jesus just as if I had denied him three times. I only hope that I can be forgiven.”

Roberts’ roommate, who declined to be named, seemed resigned to his roommate’s behavior.

“He didn’t do anything I haven’t seen before,” he said with wink and a smile.

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Posted Mar 20th, 2011 at 2:40 pm

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--febyliu

Posted Apr 23rd, 2012 at 3:45 am

I've been following a high-fat, low-carb whole (unprocessed) foods diet with a lot of ptasured butter and can confirm improvements in my lipid profile, blood pressure, mood, and cognitive function. The incredulous reactions on the part of the audience, especially the doctor who smugly warned of a pending stroke, is unfortunately all too common. The whole point of the quantified self movement is to have this unprecedented access to data tracking inform us where, for example, we previously would have had to just believe in what the medial establishment tells us to do based on specious epidemiological studies.There are theories based on evolutionary/anthropological evidence which show that our hominid ancestors, though omnivorous, have adapted to and thrived on a mostly animal foods diet high in fat up until ~10k years ago before agriculture displaced hunting and gathering. The paleolithic' diet movement that is gaining momentum seeks to emulate this pre-agrarian human diet and though

--Amina

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