Cheney Survives Fifth Heart Attack By Selling Last Shred Of Soul To Satan

Story by Erik Mellgren 

| Published Mar 9, 2010

Dick Cheney verified the rumor that he is actually more machine than man when he survived his fifth heart attack two weeks ago.

Yesterday, a source close to the former vice president indicated Cheney was able to survive the event thanks to a pact he made with his old fraternity brother Lucifer, in which Cheney sold the final, bitter scrap of his soul.

“There better not be a sixth anytime soon because as close as Cheney and the devil are, Ole Dick has run out of soul to bargain with,” said the source who chose to remain anonymous.
This has come as a shock to many around the world who were surprised that one of the brains behind the Iraq War and a former executive of Halliburton still had anything remotely resembling a soul.

“After Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, I was sure that Cheney was a soulless demon from the seventh circle of hell,” said political analyst Jane Kimball. “I think that Americans are more surprised that he had a soul than that he has been bargaining with Satan several times over the years.”

Despite having to sell the last of his soul to the dark prince, there are no hard feelings between the Cheney family and Beelzebub. Dick and his wife Lynne will be hosting the Angel of the Bottomless Pit at their home in Jackson, Wyo., for dinner Friday before the former vice president joins the ruler of demons for a fishing trip on the lake of fire.