Charles Barkley Mistakenly Devours Box Of Rocks

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Mar 9, 2010

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm orderin', ya damn prankster," quipped a hungover-looking Charles Barkley as he approached the cash register.

On the heels of a weekend rife with gambling and receiving oral sex, Barkley appeared fatigued, perplexed and craving a zesty synthesis of several cheeses. The former NBA All-Star's forehead glistened with hunger-related perspiration beneath the neon menu above him. It had been a day or two since Barkley last indulged his tastebuds in an adequate mouthful of Box.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Barkley," replied Taco Bell cashier and Head of Securities Merl Hansen. "Would you like your Box That Rocks for here or to-go today?"

"Just hand it to me," Barkley replied after taking a minute to think things over. "I'll decide where I want to eat my Box while y'all whip it up."

Though, unbeknownst to Barkley, while he was weighing the dine-in/dine-out pros and cons, Hansen was busy replacing The Box That Rocks's traditional Burrito Supreme, Crunchy Taco, Cinnamon Twists and Cheesey Gordita Crunch To Munch with some 20 Igneous rocks, which are known to form when flaming magma deep within the earth cools and hardens millenia before being incorporated into Taco Bell's token dry-rock-bed landscaping. Despite his box's modified representation, Barkley nodded in approval upon acquisition and proceeded to get himself a 32 oz. Mountain Dew Baja Blast before sitting down to begin his feast of boulders.

Barkley's first bite was an indication that he had been misled.

"Y'all! Hey, y'all! This ain't The Box That Rocks," he remarked through pebbly lips before spitting up a ghastly mouthful of blood and a jagged canine onto the table. "I don't see no Burrito Supreme here! This just looks like rocks! Lots and lots of rocks! Whicha you scoundrels made this mischief?"

Barkley was discharged from St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix early this morning donning a new set of teeth and minor swelling along his jawline. Doctors were relieved that Barkley was only able to finish half of the imitation Box That Rocks before his hospitalization.

"Everything seemed cool to me at the time," Barkley said, his tone thick with embarassment. "I had my ice cold drink and no reason to believe that The Box's four additional items would be omitted. I guess I need to exercise more caution the next time I encounter Mexican cuisine."