Chairman Meow Appointed Leader Of Campus Feral Cat Population

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Nov 3, 2009

"I shall lead us into a greater future — one founded on the principles of equality, justice and sufficient shiny things for all."

With these words, the newly christened leader of the UNL campus cats, Chairman Meow Zedong, kicked off his ambitious plans for the future of the campus cat population. His campaign pledges of sufficient food, a new farming plan and a unified nation resonated with the Campus Cat Council (CCC), who unanimously voted Meow to his new position.

Head of the CCC, Comrade Chuckles, cited Meow's highly regarded "Two Litters" speech this July as the main factor that swung the election in his direction. His assertion that the campus cat population needed to be united behind one powerful feline especially resonated with Chuckles.

"Chairman Meow's love is as bright and loving as the ascending morning sun, and only through his leadership will felines be able to find our rightful place as the undisputed leaders of this land," Chuckles said. "His command will allow us to finally overthrow the tall, long-haired degenerates that have ruled for far too long."

Meow's acceptance speech outlined several new policies that are set to take effect immediately. Meow's new agricultural plan, christened the "Great Leap Upward," is considered by the new administration to be a revelation in food production. All hunting will now be conducted in packs, and every successful kill will be distributed equally.

Additionally, every feral cat within two miles of campus must register with the national party and take an oath of a ball of yarn to never oppose the party's philosophy. Meow considers this a necessity and has already begun to crack down on those who oppose it.

A small demonstration against the new administration was held near Oldfather Hall shortly following Meow's election. Several protesting squirrels were questioned, arrested and promptly eaten.

Despite the misgivings felt by these protestors, the general feeling on campus was that of optimism to outright jubilation. A spotted cat, who declined to be interviewed for this story, was seen snorting catnip off a picture of Meow, surrounded by a cheering crowd.

One of the masses was Hamlet, who describes himself as a hunter specializing in bird. "Chairman Meow ... I can't tell you how excited I am. He's just so ... he's what I've been waiting for. Finally, someone who the common cat can identify with."

After his speech, Meow maintained his demeanor as he descended into the imperial palace beneath Andersen Hall. Eyewitness reports from the palace indicate that Meow celebrated by having a small dinner of squirrel and snake with his family. His top adviser, Comrade Ginger, maintained that Meow will be taking a well-deserved rest. He did, however, hint at what is to come.

"Chairman Meow, in all his wisdom, believes change can only come over time. Close to five years, in fact. Ooh, squirrel!" With that, he darted away, leaving a trail of propaganda posters in his wake.