Cechnyan Rebels Attack Subway Sandwiches

Story by Jacob Fricke 

| Published Apr 13, 2010

Cechnyan rebels attacked a Lincoln Subway sandwich shop yesterday, devastating the chain restaurant and leaving employees and patrons in shock.

The attack comes only weeks after separatist rebels, seeking to form a nation independent from Russia, killed 40 and injured 100 in an attack on the Moscow Metro.

Dokka Umarov, leader of the rebel group, issued a terse statement shortly after the attack.

"For too long, we have been held hostage by the traitors at Subway. If the $5 footlong deal is not brought to our country soon, more attacks can and will take place. You cannot stop what you cannot kill, and you cannot kill a movement."

Jared Fogle, Subway mascot and spokesperson, could not be reached for comment. He was busy purging his latest meal.

Catherine Smoot, frequent customer and UNL feshman, expressed deep regret over the incident.

"Why did they have to attack Subway? The rebels should've hit the Sbarro in the Union. Their prices rip people off way worse."