Cannibal Disappointed By Chili’s Baby Back Ribs

Story by Aaron Boyd 

| Published Oct 14, 2008

Last Thursday evening, Drake Williamson, a cannibal, left his local Chili’s restaurant in disgust.    

“To be honest, the food was just awful,” Drake said. “The meat was too rough, the bones were way too big, and the juices weren’t that of the innocent.”

A coworker recommended Williamson try Chili’s baby-back ribs after discussing his own preference for all kinds of meat.

“As my co-worker Chuck described prime choices of meat covered with the perfect balance of seasoning, I knew I had to skip out on my regular meal with fava beans and Chianti.”

Throughout the rest of the day those ribs were all that Drake could think about.

“While I was working it wasn’t too bad ‘cause I was distracted, but once I hit the road things became difficult. The thought of those juicy ribs dripping off the bone was almost too much to bear. Do you have any idea how many daycare centers I have to pass by on my drive home?”

Having never been to Chili’s, Drake said that he felt the atmosphere was all wrong.

“First of all, there were families laughing and having a good time, which just sickened me. What really caught my eye was that the high chairs didn’t have shackles, chains or restraints of any type. There was my potential meal smiling and mashing its peas. I was hesitant but continued on until my entrée was set in front of me. Then my nightmare came true; I was eating pork. As a Jewish man I was severely offended.”

Apparently, Drake has been let down by other instances as well.

“Oh, I’ve had the same experience with Manwich. It’s not so much that it didn’t contain human meat, but the fact that it contained no meat at all! Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy cooking human flesh, but I’m lazy as hell. I think many non-cannibals (can’tivores) and Cannibal Americans alike can feel the frustration with Manwich.”

He also believes that human parts in food as part of lawsuits insult his lifestyle. After a severed finger was found in a cup of Wendy’s chili, Drake ate meals consisting of just the fast food soup only to be met with disappointment that the finger was placed in the chili.

“I’ll never look at Wendy’s the same way again. I know it’s not their fault, but it’s just an issue of trust.”

Drake claims that he’s perfectly sane but has a problem.

“I’d like to think that I’m like that Dexter character but with a spatula. I only kill those that deserve it, which is basically everyone because people are so damn tasty. Heh, heh, you can quote me on that one!”

When asked how he thought Chuck knew about his eating habits, Drake answered that after Chuck told him how to empty a blender of dead babies, he laughed hysterically at Drake’s response.

“Damn, why didn’t I think of that? That sounds tasty to me!” he had exclaimed at Chuck’s idea. Chuck was unavailable to interview as he has gone missing since Drake had him over to watch Sweeney Todd.