Bush Coasting To End Of Presidency, Planning Tricks

Story by Bryce Wergin 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

With the end of President George W. Bush’s second term within view, shenanigans at the White House are at an all-time high.

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney recently celebrated their “lame-duck skip day,” and rumors of the biggest “lame-duck prank” since Carter are beginning to circulate around Washington.

Last Friday, Bush and Cheney took part in “lame-duck skip day,” a tradition in which the president and vice president do not come in to the White House.

The absence is unexcused and strongly frowned upon by members of the administration, but the president and his penguin-esque side kick believed the benefits of taking a day off much outweighed the risks.

“I think it is preposterous how they think just because they have been around for almost eight years they can just skip a day of work,” said Secretary Michael Chertoff of the Department of Homeland Security.

“I guess they just expect us to pick up the slack for them. Lame-duck skip day is still a work day at the White House. Any who partake in it will not be excused without medical documentation from a doctor and will not be able to make up the work the following week.”

Bush and Cheney said they don’t really care if they are penalized. “I figure we’re gonna be out of here in a few months anyway,” President Bush said.

“Dick and I have worked really hard over the past eight years, and I think we earned ourselves a no-questions-asked day off. I mean, we deserve some respect for how long we’ve been around.”

Cheney said that he loves the traditions of the lame duck year. “Dubya and I had a freaking blast on skip day. We started out early at 8 in the morning by shotgunning a beer."

"When I poked the hole in my beer, I accidentally shot it in the face of our other buddy who was there with us. It was okay though. We got him dried off and he actually apologized to me for standing where he did. It was really not a big deal at all. Now we look back on it and laugh.”

The president and his right-hand-man have been under the eye of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for some time now. “I know they are planning a lame-duck prank. I am going to do everything in my power to prevent it, and if they are caught trying anything I will not be lenient on their punishment. Even if it is the end of their time here, a referral from me will stay on their records for the rest of their lives.”

“Condi has been watching us real close,” Bush said, hardly able to contain his cackle. “She thinks we are planning some huge prank. I ain’t gonna confirm or deny this accusation, but let’s just say if the yard of the White House gets forked and blow-up sex dolls are hung up all over the place, it wasn’t me or Dick.”

Cheney was more up-front about their plans.

“I’m not worried about getting caught for anything. We’re usually pretty good about making up a quick story to cover for ourselves. I mean, if they don’t catch us in the act, they can’t get us in trouble for anything."

"Even if we do get caught, I’m not too worried about it. It would totally be worth it. What could they do? Three more months. Fuck it. This is going to be huge. The best prank since the Jimmy Carter KY slip-and-slides of ’81. Now THAT was wild. We’re gonna bring back the OLD SCHOOL presidential prank-age."

"Just watch, bro.”