Boy Who Shot Father Recruited To ‘Halo 3’ Team

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Nov 25, 2008

Arizona is still in shock after the Supreme Court upheld a competitive video game team’s decision to recruit an 8-year-old boy charged with two counts of murder.

The boy, who shot his father and another man, was drafted by Classic, one of the top-ranked professional "Halo 3" teams in the country.

“I know this decision flies in the face of other suggested rehabilitation options, such as enrolling the child in a corrective military institution,” said Justice Samuel Alito, reading a prepared statement, “but we figured, 'Eh, what’s the difference?'”

Although the boy has been practicing with Classic for less than a week, his new teammates are already astonished at the sheer natural talent he’s displayed. Some have even suggested appointing him co-captain.

“He’s got skills, I’ll give him that,” said Chad Brueger, the 25-year-old team leader. “I guess there really is a correlation between senseless, spirit-crushing acts of random violence and messing around on an Xbox 360.”

For example, the boy’s real-world experience pulling the bolt back on his single-action .22-caliber hunting rifle, dropping a single round into the chamber and sliding the bolt forward again gives him an uncontestable edge when "Halo 3" requires him to hold down the 360 controller’s right trigger to shoot.

And the countless hours the boy spent firing upon prairie dogs for target practice made pressing the RB to reload his gun second nature.

But what impressed Brueger most was the variety of weapons the boy’s heinous crimes have prepared him to handle. Despite the fact his father only trained him to shoot a hunting rifle, the boy can wield anything from a submachine gun to a rocket launcher with deadly efficiency.

And despite his tiny, 8-year-old frame, he’s also devastating at swinging the bulky weapons in melee combat, a talent that baffled onlookers. Furthermore, the boy has shown acute proficiency with all kinds of alien technology.

“Swear to God, he picked up the plasma pistol and, like, five seconds later he was already bulls-eyeing dudes in the head,” Brueger said. “I don’t know where he learned that. The kid’s a natural."

“It was all, like, Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhwwww, PEW PEW,” he added, simulating the sound the weapon makes as it charges up a bolt of pulsing energy before discharging it at an opponent.

Laney Rettner, a child psychologist from Tampa Bay, Fla., said Classic's decision to draft the boy shouldn’t surprise anyone.

"The fact that he was able to commit an atrocity that would make any sane person question the existence of a benevolent God means he should be able to gun down colorful digital renditions of people with relative ease," she said.

“Even if he’s playing a game without that much gore, his twisted mind will blur the line between reality and entertainment. I don’t care if the kid’s playing The Sims or Animal Crossing; sociopathic tendencies will give anybody a leg up in video games."