Blunder At Blender Convention Leaves Dozens With Chewy Smoothies

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| Published Nov 29, 2011

By Beau Poehlman

A recent accident caused palpable turmoil for the annual blender convention in Newman Grove, Iowa. As a result of a faulty shipment of blenders, participants in the event’s smoothie-eating contest found they had literally bitten off more than they could chew.

Traditionally observed on the third Sunday in November, the Newman Grove Blender Convention caters to the small town’s elderly population, many of whomlack teeth and rely on soft foods for meals. In preparation for the assembly’s nationally televised smoothie-eating contest, organizers mistakenly imported five shipping containers full of defective blenders. Due to dull and slow blade rotations, the appliances failed to fully grind and mix the assorted fruits for the smoothies.

Chief organizer of the convention, Avis Buckwalter, believes the misfortune to be an act of sabotage. “Our shipment was obviously tampered with,” he said. “The world is just jealous that Newman Grove has the best blender convention ever, so they can suck it. Er, now that I think about it, we might actually be the only town in the world that hosts a blender convention. But everyone can still suck it.”

Elderly participants in the contest became distraught at the chewiness of their smoothies. Mildred McMargaret, one of dozens of competitors, said, “Every year, I like to really razz my berries at the Newman Grove Blender Convention. However, I’d be a monkey’s uncle if I didn’t call this year’s edition a disaster. What a wet rag for the history books.”

Investigators are examining the situation for signs of sabotage. “Boy, what I wouldn’t give to find the bastard that crapped on our blender convention,” Buckwalter said. “Once we find him, I’ll shove his ass in a Vitamix Turboblend 4500 and set the dial to ‘extra smooth.’ We’ll see how he likes that.”