Blondes Refuse To Enter Burnett Hall

Story by Rhiannon Root 

| Published Oct 14, 2008

Just outside Burnett Hall, a picket line has formed. Young men and women chant loudly as they circle the building.

“Two, four, six, nine, being Blonde is divine!” and alternate with, “one, three, eight, don’t discriminate!”

The young men and women are members of a political organization called Blonde Ambition, which seeks to further the advancement of Blondes in society.

“We are just tired of the stereotypes and the discrimination,” group dictator, Candi Kane said.

“We formed last year when we saw a fellow blonde girl pay more at the mall for a top than a red-head. No, it wasn’t the same exact top or brand, but it was the same size, and that definitely says something right there.”

Kane and her friends, Bambi Warren and Cyndi Von Dee, decided to take a stand against their oppression and formed Blonde Ambition a week later.

When asked about why there was a delay, Warren replied, “It was Lemon Days, we had our piracies.”

The group has taken to marching outside of Burnett Hall in their first organized fight against prejudice against Blondes.

“I see this as a domino kind of thing. When we win this fight and get the name of that building changed, Blonde equality should be relatively easy to achieve. Look at the women’s movement; we’re totally equal now,” Warren said while another Blonde member attempted to look up her skirt.

As the blondes march faster, Von Dee pulls out a blow horn and screeches, “There isn’t a Slovak Hall. Why is there this hall? This is oblivious discrimination against the blondes!”

“There are a lot of miscontraceptions about Blondes,” Kane said. “That we’re stupid, that we’re stuck up and snobby. Being blonde used to be something to perspire to, and now there are few role models out there for young blonde men and women. We seek to change that image.” Warren then accidentally stepped on Kane’s foot.

“Damn it, Bambi, stop acting like a clumsy fucking ginger!”

The Blondes have written out a list of demands and given it to University of Nebraska-Lincoln Chancellor Harvey Pearlman.

When asked for a comment, he merely said, “It would be incredibly difficult to meet these demands. Especially since I don’t have the slightest idea of what they mean.”

The demands list was written on a piece of scented pink stationary paper. Pearlman then suggested that when a campus organization leaves anything on his desk, that they should probably proofread their work first.

“Our demands are simple,” the paper reads. “One, change the name of that building. Two, no one shall ever be dicriminaltated against on the basis of hair color. Three, equine, plain and simple. Four, the prescription of those who make follicularly insensitive jokes. Five, make all buildings on campus Blonde friendly.” The paper then ends with a smiley face emoticon.

“Being blonde is about more than your hair color, it’s a state of mindfulness, You can’t just wake up and be blonde in the morning,” Kane said.