Beneath Bed Sheets May Be Only Safe Haven From Expected Boogie Man Attacks

Story by Jacob Zlomke 

| Published Sep 22, 2009

After an assessment of his entire bedroom and surrounding area, seven year old Connor Walton reported that under-his-bed-sheets appears to be the only safe place against an impending boogie man attack.

Walton said that his 11 year old neighbor, Jeremy Stills, first warned Walton of a monster that utilizes guerrilla tactics to terrorize children after the two watched Amityville Horror at a sleepover last Friday.

“I think that the government has really fallen short on this one,” Walton said, “We’re trying to fight a war overseas, but children here are suffering without anything being done. I’m just lucky Jeremy told me before it was too late.”

Walton went on to say that a classmate told him that his brother’s friend in his old neighborhood had a cousin taken by a boogie man, so he knows his fears are grounded.

“I tested every possible spot” Walton said after his Saturday evening evaluation, “and all the other ok places were too small.”

“Under the bed would have been ok too, but you’re exposed on the sides,” Walton said, “but beneath the bed sheets, no one can see you. And that’s how you know that you’re safe.”

Walton said he has been gathering the allies he can.

“My friend Jimmy [Longman] told me he has heard about the boogie man too,” Walton said.

“Me and Connor figured that it would be harder for a boogie man to take on both of us,” Longman said, “so we’re going to sleepover at each other’s houses as many nights as possible. That and we both have our baseball bats by our beds.”

“We started talking to some other classmates,” Walton said, “so that nothing will get them either.”

Walton said he tried bringing the issue up with his mother, Karen Walton, but to no avail.

“I recommended floodlights for the front lawn and reinforcing my door with titanium, but there is no reasoning with that woman,” Walton said.

Karen Walton reported that the boogie man obsession is just one instance in a long string of superfluous fixations.

“A year or so ago, he was convinced the floor was lava, and would only step on furniture to get around,” she said. “Since then, there has been a board game stage, the army man stage, the metaphysics stage, the blanket fort stage and now this.”

Walton said that his father has tried to be somewhat helpful.

“He’s given some pretty good advice,” Walton said, “like, he told me that the boogie man is less likely to get boys that eat their vegetables and clear their plates every night.”

Walton said that he is doing what he can, and now it is a waiting game.

“It’s going to happen sooner or later,” Walton said of the boogie man attacks, “I can’t know when, so the best I can do is be ready at all times.”