Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Stop At Nothing To Get His Son Season's Hottest Gift

Story by Will Sharpe 

| Published Dec 15, 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger never wanted any of this.

"I never wanted any of this!" he screamed. "Who told you you could eat my cookies? Put that cookie down. NOW!"

This past Sunday afternoon, the former terminator neglected to show up to his son's karate exhibition, and, yet again, an important event in the life of a loved one took a back seat to Schwarzenegger's demanding job as governor of California.

Schwarzenegger's devastated son, 8-year-old Jamie, left his father with an ultimatum: get his hands on a Turbo Man action figure by Christmas morning and be forgiven or fail to respect Jamie's wishes and endure a lifetime of Jamie being a total prick to him.

"I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock'n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, 'It's Turbo time!'" the young boy demanded. "Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included."

For Papa Schwarzenegger, tracking down the one toy his son desires this Christmas is not an issue of money but of sweeping inavailability. Wal-Marts and toy stores all over the nation are completely sold out of Turbo Man. To make matters worse, Sinbad, of "Good Burger" fame, finds himself in the same sort of predicament this holiday season and intends to make Schwarzenegger's Turbo Man quest a hellish one.

"I thought Sinbad died after getting shot in 'First Kid,'" Schwarzenegger remarked. But the man still walks the streets, and he's bloodthirsty — a true menace — and I'll be dammed if he snatches up my Jamie's Turbo Man."

Sinbad, wearing a rabid expression, was unfazed by Arnold's comments.

"I'mma find me that toy, even if it means I gotta whoop Mr. Universe's chizzled buns," he said. "I'm on a fucking mission, OK? Eye on the fucking prize. Arnold doesn't have the focus to beat me to it."

On cue, Schwarzenegger deviated from the Turbo Man aquisition mission, approaching a mall Santa with intentions of blugeoning the man's rosy cheeks.

"You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits," he spat. "You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Lowlifes. Thugs. Criminals!"