Armed Forces To Replace "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" With "I'm Not Gay, You're Gay"

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Mar 29, 2010

In light of a recent Senate bill seeking to repeal the military's 17-year-old "don't ask, don't tell" policy, the Joint Chiefs of Staff called an emergency meeting Wednesday to establish more inclusive guidelines regarding gay men and women serving in the armed forces. Established in 1993, "don't ask, don't tell" allows gays to fight and die in the name of freedom and democracy, so long as they're not all up in your face about who they sleep with.

Proposed alternatives to "don't ask, don't tell" included the "no homo amnesty agreement," in which uttering the titular phrases solidifies the speaker's heterosexual status regardless of his or her actions, and "don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, even if you're about 90 percent sure, seriously."

After 18 hours of deliberation, however, the Joint Chiefs eventually settled upon a policy entitled "I'm not gay, you're gay." Called INGYG (Ing-ee-gah) for short, the policy requires all allegations of homosexuality be instantly and audibly refuted, and that the accuser be recriminated with a similar claim. By insinuating that someone who calls a fellow soldier gay is, in fact, he himself the one who's actually totally gay, the Joint Chiefs hope many unpleasant encounters can be avoided.

"We expect to see a substantial drop in the frequency of homophobic comments within the armed forces, as few people are willing to level accusations of homosexuality against someone else if there is a significant chance they could also be called gay. I mean, really, if I call you gay and you call me gay, then we're both gay and should probably let nature take its course."

"It solves a lot of problems," said Pvt. Damon Leboretski. "DADT prevented individuals from disclosing their own sexual orientation, so if someone else told you you were gay, you couldn't defend yourself. Now if the same situations arises, you have the perfect comeback to shut the other guy down."

"By they way, you're not coming on to me, are you?" he added. "Seriously? You sure? It's just that you're asking me all these questions, hanging on my every word. Seems like you're in to me is all."

Most members of the military interviewed spoke out in support of INGYG, calling it an ideal solution to an outdated policy. Some are afraid if "don't ask, don't tell" is scrapped without a suitable replacement lined up, troop moral will inevitably suffer.

"Look... we're not opposed to serving with gays, per se," said Staff Sgt. Horatio Dominguez. "It's just that some soldiers draw strength from this dense pocket of turbulent rage ensconced in the very core of their being, made more volatile with each passing year of refusing to deal with their unwelcome desires.

"You know, noticing the way the balmy desert winds breath life in your squadmate's sandy auburn hair or feeling your heart race whenever he flashes that smile of his, warmer than a Fallujah sunrise, and then masking the subsequent inner turmoil with heaps of good ol' fashioned American aggression."

"Because you can't... it just can't ever happen," he added sadly.