Argument Severely Weakened By Box Of Cheese Nips In Left Hand

Story by Alex Wunrow 

| Published Jan 26, 2010

A crowd formed outside UNL sophomore Paul Foster’s dorm room yesterday as the young man clumsily attempted to make the ultimate argument.

“This is the most important issue of our generation,” stated Foster, who was lying on a futon carelessly jostling a half-eaten box of Cheese Nips.

Foster cried that now is not the time for silly motions, and if America’s youth are ever going to reclaim their spot alongside those of well-respected nations, then major work lies ahead.

“The guy is kind of polarizing," said Edward Hoiland, a longtime listener and faithful bro. “He said a bunch of stuff about how indifference is the ultimate solution for race relations in America and how moral imperatives are nothing more than people thinking with their hearts, but honestly, all I could think about was that box of Cheese Nips he kept waving around.”

Everyone in attendance would have been left in awe if they weren't so completely and utterly distracted by the constant waving of the box of Cheese Nips.

“I feel like he said some things,” said student Alison McClain. “It was like watching ‘Gilmore Girls,’ except I had no idea what he was talking about.”

Still, Foster was able to articulate himself beyond belief; it is thought that he composed a mutually appreciated health care bill.

“What we need to focus on is a single-payer system,” said Foster, Cheese Nips in hand. “The problem with privatized health insurance is that the bigger insurance companies are able to negotiate a better rate with the drug companies because they have higher clout, thus forcing the drug companies to charge the smaller insurance companies a higher rate to make up profit for what they lost with the bigger companies.”

Foster stated that he doesn’t believe in big government but thinks they need to provide the necessities of life, such as health care. “If the government were to run health care, it would force the drug companies to work out a fair price, not just one for the elite,” said Foster so emphatically that he inadvertently showered the crowd with Cheese Nips.

His arguments weren’t met without opposition. Student Ian Leith was in attendance and created an impromptu debate with Foster.

“(Foster’s) ideals are completely socialist,” said Leith. “A single-payer system is not the answer. All we need to do is get people to NOT be retarded! If people are willing to accept the generic drugs for less money than the pretty looking ones that do the exact same thing and also stop unnecessarily getting tested for illnesses that they don’t have symptoms for, the prices will stay reasonable.”

After hearing Leith make his case for trusting Americans to “stop being retarded,” Foster left with a few hollow words: “Good luck with that.”