America Demands China To Recall Chopsticks: ‘They Don’t Work Good’

Story by Aaron Boyd 

| Published Oct 28, 2008

Last week hundreds of protestors rallied in Washington, D.C., petitioning the government to recall years of faulty chopsticks imported from China.

This group represented the majority of U.S. citizens plagued by decades of these faulty utensils.
  
“Quite frankly, we’ve done had enough,” anti-chopstick activist Bill Jackson declared. “When my family goes to P.F. Chang’s, we expect an authentic American dining experience of quickly stuffing as much food down our gullets with as little chewing as possible. Instead we’re given these poorly manufactured eatin’ tools. They don’t work good.”

While most of the frustration is experienced in Asian restaurants, it seems that chopstick users also experience difficulty in everyday situations at home.

The defective utensils create problems while eating Jell-O, soup and even cutting something as simple as a “goddamned” steak.

Chopsticks also received mixed reviews in terms of eating cereal. Jackson clarified, “I can poke the stick through most of my Cheerios and eat them just fine, but then I’ve got all this milk left over in my bowl that I have absolutely no way of getting to my mouth. I ain’t gonna stand by and let my Chinese powdered milk go to waste.”

Chop Suey Inc., manufacturer of all the chopsticks in the world, points the finger of blame at defective users, not defective products.

CEO San Yang stated, “The chopsticks exported to the United States are identical to those distributed here in China and the rest of the world.”

Jackson claims Yang’s response is “just a bunch of horseshit” and an attempt to cover up a larger conspiracy.

“We believe that all this is an elaborate plan to harm Americans. They’re trying to starve us to death by pressuring us into using them impossible sticks. I’ve thought about using a fork, spoon - hell, even a spork. But the last thing I want is for them ‘rice-eaters’ to call me an ignorant hick.”

The final straw came after Jenny Richards, a 5-year-old from Barney, Ky., died from a chopstick malfunction. 

Richards was left at home by herself for a couple of months with some carry-out Chinese and a pair of chopsticks to feed her while her mother was away.

When her mother finally came home, Richards had starved to death.

The group is boycotting any use of Chinese chopsticks and hopes to manufacture domestic chopsticks in America.

Jackson explained, “Americans have higher product standards and know the value of a hard day’s work, unlike those Chinese Communist bastards. Last time I checked they make pennies per hour. Sounds to me that they need to work harder.”

The plan is to keep the core chopstick design exactly the same; however, they will wrap the sticks with patriotic stars and stripes and call them “Freedom Sticks.” 

Jackson tested out the prototype among his fellow protesters and they agreed that the sticks were a vast improvement.

They plan on buying as many as they could, and some even said that they would try using their Freedom Sticks to eat with.