All You Need Is A Night Out | By Your Penis

Story by Your Penis 

| Published Sep 20, 2011

Listen, I know things really are not going our way recently, but I would like to take a quick moment to absolve myself of any blame. To be honest, all of “our downfalls” are really just yours. The truth is that I’m kinda perfect. Like, I’m perfect in almost every way there is. I’m mean, as far as penises go, I’m pretty awesome, and just along for the ride. But there’s no need to worry about how much you suck. Just let me give you a little bit of advice.

I know you are in a funk, and that is okay. So what if you can’t seem hold a conversation with the cute girl in your English class, or be bothered to really care about Comm109? Instead of sulking and becoming no more than a flaccid shadow of your usual self, get up. You have to move and vent the dark and sweaty parts of life. Capitalize on your downtime and really hang loose. You need to stop cramming the “true you” away for hours on end. Just because you are in class and forced to listen to refrains of “OMG, I was a munchkin in play once,” and “OMG, that is sooo funny!” “(giggle) I know!,” in the back row doesn't mean you have to tense up forever. Shake it off.

I know there are some pretty wet and sticky personalities out there that seem to attract a lot of girls and good company at parties. I also know you really don’t consider yourself to have one of these really awesome full on hardcore personalities, but man, you do! In the words of your father, who was too nervous to talk your weird-ass self as a kid: “Hey! Kiddo...you are...uh...my little slugger...”

I really think you’re great. You just need to show your greatness to all your friends and every new person you meet. You need to get up in their face and dangle your awesomeness right in front of them. Let them never be able get the impression of your greatness out of their mind; make them be lying in their beds still thinking about how your sizable personality has changed their lives forever.

All you need is a good night out. Go out there and get comfortable in your skin again. And when you wake up in the morning you will feel like running five miles or going camping, and you know how much I love to pitch a tent.