All The Single Ladies, A Concern | Larry Goodwell

Story by Larry Goodwell 

| Published Apr 19, 2011

So it is almost summer time. I know must of us can’t tell by the snow and freezing rain, but it is. This is the time when the day-to-day fashion of wearing leggings makes actual sense. Spring being the time we are shaking and shaving off our winter layers, it is also the time sexual promiscuity spreads like chlamydia in the houses of Theta. As for the rest of us GDI’s, the scraps are left to pick up. However, some of the fallen pieces are harder to grasp than others.

When they roll into the party, you know what they are there to do: stand in the corner and give the stink eye, either to you or their phones. Now, I am not saying all party-going girls are lamestream queens fresh off a pre-game on Abel 10. And I am not saying all girls do at parties is sit on their phones going, “Oh my god, why is he still texting me?”

Sometimes they just dance. These girls form a circle with purses in the middle, and trying to get in there is like trying to solve a fucking sudoku. One way I’ve found to get in is to casually dance on in with them. But, if you are like me, you are not good at dancing. Then again, if you are like me, you are not good at most things, like running, jumping, swimming, growing facial hair, flexing without it being all weird, telling jokes, being fun to hang out with, horseback riding, school, calling your mom, feeding yourself, being talented, talking in public, sending coherent e-mails to teachers, keeping a job, keeping friends, and walking up three flights in Old Father without being winded.

Ladies, all we want to do is talk to you. But do not confuse that with us trying to have a heart to heart about an older guy in your past. We do not want to hear about insecurities. I for one get a big enough dose of my own insecurities on a day to day basis. I know the point is to have a good time, but the shutting down and shying away is putting us under a lot of stress. I am also not saying that we are looking for anything serious. All we want is a causal conversation that leads to a phone number. If that is too much to ask, then I guess we will have to just have to wake up alone for three months and try again in the fall.