All-American Basketball League Seeks To Restore Civility, Dignity Of All-White Sports

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Feb 9, 2010

Wasting no time in securing his nomination for "Person We'd Most Like To See Choke This Decade," sports promoter Don "Moose" Lewis held a press conference Tuesday to promote his proposed whites-only All-American Basketball Alliance. First announced Jan. 20 in the Huffington Post, the league would bar entry to any individual who is not an American-born Caucasian.

"Now, I don't hate anyone of color," Lewis said, repeating verbatim his comments published by the Post. "I just want to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of the 'street-ball' played by people of color. Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?"

Following the statement and the sound of two dozen journalists simultaneously facepalming, Lewis fielded questions, most which proved to be some variation of "are you fucking serious?" Lewis defended the AABA's blatant exclusionary policy, claiming blacks were more than welcome to attend games, provided "they sit where they're supposed to and don't apply for any of the stadium's menial jobs. We're saving those for the Canadians."

Rather than being obvious racism, Lewis argued, the alliance is a callback to the heyday of whites-only sports, a period forever remembered for its poise and civility. He fondly recalled the early days of baseball and boxing, two sports which initially prevented blacks from participating.

"Back in the 19th century, we'd didn't have all that racket colored folks brought to baseball," Lewis said, his face awash with the serenity of a supremely racist grandfather leaning back in a rocking chair. "Just good ol' fashioned games where it wasn't uncommon for the crowd to fire off blanks to startle the visiting team, or for players to slide spikes first into the umpire if he made a bad call. Those were the days."

Lewis' selective memory of a time when he wasn't even born failed to include the fact the Baltimore Oriels won most of their games through duplicity and cheating (considered by its white fan base to be the pinnacle of Americanism and "controlling your destiny"), or that famed player Michael Joseph "King" Kelly would routinely cut across the diamond when the umpire wasn't looking. Instead, Lewis argued a moral laxity only entered the sport when blacks did.

"I mean, after this black fellow named Moses 'Fleetwood' Walker started playing, he received a signed death threat from a group of 75 men who threatened to jump him if he didn't retire," Lewis said, shaking his head sadly. "And once blacks became more common on the field, well, some of the other players just lost their heads and spiked the black folks in the shins until they had to walk around on crutches. You can't tell me blacks didn't bring something awfully ugly to the pristine pastime of baseball."

"Thank God those early leagues eventually forged a 'gentleman's agreement' not to sign any more of 'em," he added.

Lewis then launched into an equally inaccurate recollection of boxing, which he called "a true white man's sport." While lauding the athleticism and dedication of the sport's early athletes, he neglected to mention boxing was initially considered too violent and unruly for women to attend, or that gamblers (who routinely bet large sums of money on often fixed matches) had a tendency to jump into to the ring and fight alongside the combatants on whom they'd placed a wager.

Believe it or not, Lewis actually has a handful of supporters in his corner who believe that the AABA is a noble cause, as well as that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

"Who's ready for two straight hours of free throws?" asked Taylor Rambosik, a 42-year-old optometrist and semi-professional abortion clinic bomber. "I know this guy is!"