After Long, Hard Campaign, Boehner Erected Speaker Of The House

Story by Alex Wunrow 

| Published Nov 9, 2010

John Boehner has dreamt of being Speaker of the House as long as he can remember. Despite a short-lived run in 2006, Boehner is firmly planted as the next Speaker of the House for a long time to come.

“Everything that people seemed to expect from this campaign season lived up to the elongated hype,” Said Boehner. “But what would I be, if not a stiff, straight, veiny politician.”

Although many seemed timid about Boehner being the new speaker of the house, people are finally starting to wrap their mouths around it.

“I was a little scared at first,” said John Reynolds, UNL Junior Business Administration major. “Actually, scared isn’t the right word, nervous is a little more accurate.

“It’s just that when I think of a politician, I’m normally pretty complacent and will basically assume whatever position they tell me. But with Boehner, I feel like there is just something there, something that takes me a little time to digest. Shit, that sounded weird... I feel kind of weird.”

Reynolds isn’t alone in his reservations for this new, yet seemingly well traveled Boehner.

“He’s technically the new Speaker of the House,” stated Theo Kolfax, UNL Sociology Professor. “But he has the well traveled musk of a French diplomat. It just helps him get through to whoever it is that’s trying to rub one out from under him.”

Regardless of the reception he receives, Boehner is ready for people to come at all angles.

“The fact that the American people felt comfortable putting this saggy old man into office, just...” Boehner said, tears gathering in his eyes. “...just makes me excited. I can’t wait to really stick it to all those young, tender Democrats.”