2015 Vision, ‘Aw F*ck It’, Approved

Story by Aaron Boyd 

| Published Oct 14, 2008

At last month’s City Council meeting, a few members gave a presentation created the night before detailing exactly what they expect from the 2015 Vision.

Their pitch consisted of several napkins with scribbled drawings, a Powerpoint, which was entitled
“Click to add title” and a few YouTube videos featuring the Huskers’ tunnel walk song to pep up the listeners.

When asked about the circumstances behind their bare-bones presentation, council member Susan Jacobsen said, “Well, we knew the deadline was coming soon, but nobody in our group checked the due date until 11 p.m. on the eve of our speech, and we kind of went from there.”

Randy Walton, a member of the group, said, “When I called the other group members to inform them, we started to panic.”

Most questioned Walton’s news by asking, “Isn’t our project due at the meeting after this one?”

One member suggested, “Why don’t we just get a group of business students from UNL and make them do all the research, and in return, promise a good recommendation we’ll never hold good on?”

Another said, “I thought we were presenting our ideas in 2015--hence the name!”

The group lost one member after Walton confronted him about his commitment to the vision. 51-year-old Jack Ellis said he didn’t “need this shit.” With absolutely no budget or other research, the team began their all-nighter.

Jacobsen admitted that their quality dwindled as the hours passed. “We started out strong with Red Bull-fueled ideas, such as a few new hotels and more parking,” Jacobsen said. “Then to ease stress, we downed several Jager bombs, and let’s just say that’s when we got really creative. The group consensus was ‘Aw fuck it!’

The group had several drawings detailing features such as the hockey rink. The illustration provided by the group was that of a garden hose next to a large puddle of water with a snowman on the side to emphasize the water was frozen.

“The creativity didn’t end there,” Walton said. “The most important feature of all is the event center. While none of us knew how much the building would cost, we figured out a cheaper and greener solution. We took our biggest entertainment venues and put them together.”

The proposed event center was comprised of the Bob Devaney Sports Center with the Pershing Center on top of that and Memorial Stadium to top it all off.

“People already enjoy the entertainment venues offered at the moment; if we build an entirely new event center, it would just confuse the public,” Jacobsen added.

When it came time to give their presentation on how they view Lincoln’s transformation, they “gave it their best shot.” Other City Council members critiqued the information by asking about the sources for their budget information as well as their logic.

Walton responded, “Well, uh, you see, um, that really is an excellent question, and we are looking into it.”

The group then abruptly closed the Q&A session. To the public’s surprise, the project was approved due to its cost-saving efforts that increase the paychecks of all the council members.

A shocked Jacobsen said, “Basically, we’re banking on the Mayans being right that we’re all going to be dead after Dec. 23, 2012. That way, the 2015 Vision will stay a vision. We all agree it will be better this way.”