13 Things Not To Do On Your 21st Birthday

Story by Paige Mathew 

| Published Jan 26, 2010

The epitome of every college student’s career is, sadly, not graduation, but their 21st birthday. Countdowns typically begin around age 15 for the day where you don’t have to camp out in front of a sketchy liquor store and give cash to “your people” to buy you Barton’s. As a 21 year old veteran, I would like to give a series of expert suggestions on what to NOT do on your 21st birthdays. Minors, take notes.

1. If you want to have a celebration, don’t make a Facebook group. Your friends will take advantage of the Photos application, and pictures of you on the toilet from freshman year will be resurfaced. Also, your parents and their creepy friends who are friends with you on Facebook will see this group, and will awkwardly respond “Attending”. Trust me, you don’t want them there.

2. Don’t go out the last three nights before your birthday. Chances are, you will be shitfaced one of those three nights, and the idea of alcohol on the day of your celebration will make you want to vomit prematurely.

3. Don’t do anything to your appearance to make yourself stick out more than you normally would. Examples: Full spandex bodysuits, glitter, kimonos, any sort of war paint, giant afros, ect. Trust me, you will already look like an ass as it is.

4. Don’t go drinking somewhere on your birthday that you were just drinking at the week before with your fake ID. They will remember you, and they will call you out on it.

5. If you happen to encounter any horse saddles on your big night out, do NOT mount them. Pictures will be taken, and your friends will never let you live it down.

6. If your friends offer you anything that sounds like or resembles the word “cocaine,” do not accept it. This is actually more difficult that you may think.

7. If there happens to be any creepy individuals around you repeating over and over, “I can’t wait to get her so drunk tonight,” don’t let them buy you straight shots of Bacardi 151. Again, a bit more difficult, because by this time anything you drink tastes like water.

8. Don’t run up and hug your friends when they show up, because in your state, what you think is a hug is probably a bit closer to molestation. They may not be your friends afterward.

9. If a bouncer refuses to let you in to a bar because of your zombie-like state, don’t respond with, “Can I please just use your bathroom? I promise I won’t make a mess.”

10. If someone is being kind enough to drive you home, don’t vomit in their car and then insist that you sleep in there. I can assure you, your bed will be much more comfortable than a backseat full of margarita vomit.

11. Do not set your alarm for 7 A.M. the next day. You will wake up thoroughly confused, fully clothed with your shoes on, and wishing the world end. Especially if it’s a Tuesday.

12. Do not try to cook for yourself the next day. Golden Wok Chinese take-out will satisfy your every need and nurse you back to health. Egg drop soup never tasted so good.

13. When your parents call and ask how the night went, don’t tell them the truth. Just say you took it easy, had one or two drinks, and called it a night at 11:30 P.M.. Even if that’s the time you actually did pass out.

Note: This column was not based on true events. But chances are, they were.