12 Percent Of Americans Believe Barack Obama To Be Malevolent Space Lizard

Story by Egon Sinclair 

| Published Sep 30, 2008

One in eight Americans is convinced Sen. Barack Obama is actually an insidious, extraterrestrial reptile plotting America’s demise, according to a shocking report released by the Pew Center last Thursday.

According to the study, 12 percent of Americans accuse Obama of some form of space-lizardry.

Of those who believe Obama to be a scaly agent of destruction from beyond the stars, 63 percent say they will not vote for him because of it.

A quarter of Americans remain undecided on Obama’s intergalactic affiliations, one-third maintain him to be “a pretty okay guy” and the rest “refuse to believe 12 percent of America can be that goddamned stupid.”

Lindsey Pommel, a 25-year-old Obama campaign worker from Boston, said rumors of Obama’s plan to hand America over to the space lizard empire were “ridiculous” and “don’t add up with the other attacks that have been hurled Obama’s way.”

“There was this whole Reverend Wright controversy first,” Pommel said. “But if he was a member of Wright’s church, how could he be a space lizard? Space lizards’ tails make sitting in pews very uncomfortable, and their insatiable appetite for human flesh would make calmly sitting through a 90-minute church service next to impossible.”

A controversial cartoon featured in the New Yorker magazine attempted to poke fun at the use of fear mongering to derail Obama’s campaign.

The cartoon depicts a caricature of Obama with a crocodile’s head throwing his arms up in the air and screaming “RAHR, BITCH! I’m a space lizard!”

Michelle Obama is also present in the drawing shoveling puppies into a furnace.

She is also cackling manically and stating she can’t wait for her husband “to overthrow the American government and force everyone to bow down to the space lizard sun god, Ikhail!”

But for Randy Tobias, 46, of Nescient, Kan., the cartoon’s subject matter is no joke.

“With all due respect to Mr.Obama, I’m entirely convinced he’s actually a homicidal monster from the cold recesses of space, hell-bent on enslaving or destroying all we hold dear,” Tobias said.

Tobias said he’s avoided all other news coverage of the controversy, determined to not “let a bunch of talking heads dictate (his) thoughts.”

Instead, he’s elected to form all his political opinions based on information gleaned from his small social circle, including his barber, who first told him of Obama’s malevolent intentions.

Andy MacDonald, the 53-year-old owner of Nescient’s only barber shop, isn’t ashamed to circulate “facts” he feels are vital to maintaining America’s prosperity. He even believes he’s solved the Reverend Wright and space lizard conundrum.

“His tail fell off – that’s why he can sit in a pew and act all pious,” MacDonald said. “’Course, that means there’s gonna be two of ‘em soon. Tail’s gonna grow a whole new Obama.”

He shook his head solemnly and walked into the back room of his shop, abruptly concluding the interview.

Rumors of Obama’s purported space lizard status began circulating on the Internet, a medium long renowned for its civil and well-informed discussions of topical issues.

“Why’s this guy smiling all the time?” asked 14-year-old Rodney Kazack, who posted a comment under the name “nEwElEkTiOn-SaMe2a$$hole$” on the “Real Politikz” online forum.

“He’s like a lizard. A space lizard. That’s probably why he’s staring off into space all the time. Charging his solar panels. My iguana does the same thing.”

[Editor’s Note: Mr. Kazack’s comments have been edited for coherence and to avoid giving readers aneurisms.]

The next two posts on the forum agreed with Mr. Kazack’s observations, followed by 50 posts calling him a “queermuffin” or some variant thereof.

The online discussion then further unraveled into an argument over who would win in a fight: a dozen Renaissance painters with lightsabers or the Thing.